WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS

Online media kit
When Friendship Hurts:
How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

by Jan Yager, Ph.D.
New York: Simon and Schuster, Inc., A Fireside Book original, July 2002
(ISBN 0-7432-1145-6 $13.00)

Requests to interview Dr. Jan Yager, or for review copies for review consideration, should be submitted to:
Shida Carr,
Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1230 Avenue of the Americas, NY, NY 10020
e-mail: shida.carr@simonandschuster.com
Phone (212) 698-4384

This online media kit for When Friendship Hurts by Jan Yager, Ph.D. contains the following materials:

Letter to editors/reviewers

Dear Editor/Reviewer:

In all the excitement about getting the word out on the importance of friendship, too little attention has been paid to the notion that negative friendships can wreak havoc. In WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS: How to Deal with Friends who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You (A Fireside Original/Simon & Schuster Trade Paperbacks/July 2002/$13.00) Dr. Jan Yager offers help and hope in understanding the complexities of friendships.

Jan Yager, Ph.D. is a sociologist and author of Friendshifts®: The Power of Friendship and How it Shapes Lives. An internationally known expert on friendship, she has appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show, The View, National Public Radio, and numerous other television and radio programs. WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS gives readers the tools to detect and cope with friendships that are destructive or harmful. Readers will also gain a greater understanding into why certain friendships may have ended or should end, plus advice for learning to choose positive and healthy friends who will enrich one's life.

A straightforward and highly prescriptive book filled with dozens of quizzes and illustrated examples, WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS addresses:

  • The 21 types of negative friends - including the bloodsucker, the faultfinder, the promise breaker, and the copy cat
  • The email effect - how electronic communication has changed friendships for both the better and the worse
  • The misuse of friendship at work - how to deal with a co worker's lies, deceit, or revenge tactics
  • How to stop obsessing about a failed friendship

WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS provides invaluable insights and on target advice to explore what causes friendships to falter and how to mend them - or end them. I have enclosed an advance copy of WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS and I look forward to speaking with you regarding review/interview/feature opportunities.

Press release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Contact: Shida Carr
(212) 698-4384
shida.carr@simonandschuster.com

WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS
How to Deal With Friends Who
Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

Jan Yager, Ph.D.

     There are positive, wonderful friendships that are mutually beneficial to both friends and that can last a lifetime. But there are other friendships that are negative, destructive, or unhealthy. In WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS: How to Deal with Friends who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You (A Fireside Original/Simon & Schuster Trade Paperbacks; July/On Sale June 2002 $13.00). Jan Yager, Ph.D. gives readers the tools to detect and cope with friendships that are harmful, provides insight into why certain friendships have ended or should end, and suggests ways for choosing friends who will enrich your life.
     Dr. Yager is a sociologist and an internationally known expert on friendship. In WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS she divides the term friend into three categories. A Casual Friend is "a giant step above acquaintance." Although less intimate than close or best friendships, a sense of trust and liking each other that is genuine and shared should be present in a healthy and positive casual friendship. A Close Friend is someone that you are comfortable talking to about your deepest, intimate, thoughts or secrets. A Best Friend will have all the criteria of a close friend, with the additional distinction of being the premiere friend. Trust, Empathy, Honesty, Confidentiality, and Commonality are all important friendship qualities.
     However, WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS identifies the 21 Types of Potentially Negative Friends, including The Promise Breaker (constantly disappoints you or breaks promises), The Cheat (lies or steals your romantic partner), The Discloser (betrays your confidence), The Interloper (overly involved in your life), and The Rival (wants whatever you have and may try to take it from you). WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS also addresses false or "pseudo friends" which fall into two basic categories: fair weather and foul weather friends. The fair weather friend is the most common type of destructive or harmful friend - one who is there for you when all is well, but who vanishes when times get tough. Even more insidious is the less well-known but potentially more damaging foul-weather friend. This friend needs for you to have problems, especially if you met and became friends at a problematic time in your life. A foul weather friend gives you clear and subtle messages that he/she will not be there for you when things are going well, and this friend may also directly or indirectly try and make your relationships or career go bad and try to set you up for personal or professional embarrassment.
     A straightforward, highly prescriptive book, filled with numerous quizzes and dozens of illustrative examples, WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS addresses:

  • Detecting harmful people before they become your friends
  • The impact of early relationships with parents or siblings, and how these relationships affect friendship choices and interactions
  • Why betrayals or abandonment in friendships seem to hurt as much, or even more, than romantic relationships that don't work out
  • Coping - Can this friendship be saved? If not, Dr. Yager offers tips for when and how to end it
  • Steps for getting over a friendship if you don't know why it ended (and what to do if you're obsessing over it)
  • The traits of a positive friendship and how to go about cultivating positive friends in your life (or if you already have one, making time for that friendship)

     Dr. Yager emphasizes that readers should take the energy that they may have been pouring into ruminating over a betrayal or coping with negative friends, and use it to create or emphasize preexisting positive friendships. WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS demonstrates how, why, and when to let go of bad friends and develop the positive friendships that enrich our lives on every level.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
JAN YAGER, Ph.D.
is a sociologist and author of Friendshifts®: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives. Internationally recognized as an expert on friendship, she has been seen and heard on OPRAH®, The Today Show, The View, The O'Reilly Factor, National Public Radio, CBS Radio, and numerous other national television and radio programs. She lives in Connecticut with her husband and two sons. For more information log onto http://www.janyager.com/friendship, http://www.janyager.com, http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com or www.simonsays.com.

WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS:
How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You
Jan Yager, Ph.D.

July 2002/On Sale June
0-7432-1145-6
$13.00

5 Steps to Try to Save a Friendship
(*from WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS by Jan Yager, Ph.D. /A Fireside Original
Simon & Schuster Trade Paperbacks July 2002/$13.00)

 1. Ask yourself, "Do I want to invest the time and energy to turn this around?"
 2. Assess whether your friend will also want to work through your conflict.
 3. Will you discuss the situation with your friend or let things ride for a while?
 4. Try any or all of the following conflict resolution techniques:

  • Strive to understand the words or actions that caused the conflict.
  • Listen carefully and thoughtfully to each other.
  • Agree to disagree. Remind each other that it's okay to have unique views.
  • Validate your relationship. Let your friend know you want to stay friends.
  • If appropriate, say, "I'm sorry." If your friend apologizes, accept it.

 5. If you save your friendship, avoid dwelling on the resolved rift." - Dr. Jan Yager

5 Steps For Getting Over a Friendship when
You Don't Know Why It Ended

(*from WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS by Jan Yager, Ph.D. /Fireside Books, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc. July 2002/$13.00)

"1. Accept that you may feel guilt, shame, and anger.
 2. Try to learn about yourself from the friendship's ending. Was there a conflict or argument that might have been handled differently?
 3. Think about the benefits to you if you find a way to forgive your former friend instead of harboring resentment, or thoughts about how to get even.
 4. Explore your feelings by writing about it (journaling) or talking with someone you trust
 5. Spend time with other friends, your mate, family, pet, hobbies, or in cultivating a new positive friendship" - Dr. Jan Yager

Suggested questions for Dr. Jan Yager,
Author of
WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS

  1. What are the most common types of negative or positive friends?
  2. You have spent the last twenty years researching friendship. Why? What changes have you noticed in that time period in how friendship is viewed by our society?
  3. Why might someone maintain a friendship even if it's no longer adding joy to his or her life or it's become a destructive friendship?
  4. How common is betrayal in friendship? jealousy in friendship?
  5. Why is friendship so important to us?
  6. What's the impact of early relationships with parents or siblings on childhood or future friendship choices and interactions?
  7. Do most friendships last forever, or is that a myth?
  8. Why do betrayals or abandonment in friendships sometimes seem to hurt as much, or even more, than romantic relationships that don't work out?
  9. What are some examples of good or bad friendships in literature? Movies? TV shows? Entertainment? Politics?
  10. You write in When Friendship Hurts: "There can be no present if all you have in common is your past." What do you mean by that? What about going to class reunions? How do you know when reconnecting is in your best interest?
  11. Who makes "better" friends - men or women?
  12. What are three tips for testing out if a friendship will be good for you?

21 Types of Potentially Negative Friends
(from WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS by Jan Yager, Ph.D. / Fireside
Books, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc. July 2002/$13.00)

     There is no crystal ball to predict that a particular friend will turn out to be a reliable, positive relationshi p in your life or, by contrast, that a negative association will cause you emotional distress, or worse. Since destructive or negative friends are not always that easy to spot, WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS may help you to reevaluate your current friends, as well as to reassess past or potential friendships.

  1. The Promise Breaker Constantly disappoints you or breaks promises
  2. The Taker Borrows and fails to return something precious or valuable to you.
  3. The Double Crosser Betrays you big time
  4. The Risk Taker Puts you in harm's way because of illegal or dangerous behavior
  5. The Self Absorbed Never has time to listen to you
  6. The Cheat Lies, or steals your romantic partner
  7. The Discloser Betrays your confidence
  8. The Competitor Excessively combative with you and wants what you have relationships, job, possessions
  9. The One Upper Always one up on you
  10. The Rival Wants whatever you have and may try to take it from you
  11. The Faultfinder Overly critical
  12. The Downer Always negative, critical, and sad, and makes you feel that way too.
  13. The Rejecter Dislikes you and lets you know it
  14. The Abuser Verbally, physically, or sexually abuses you
  15. The Loner Would rather be alone than with a friend
  16. The Blood Sucker Overly dependent
  17. The Therapist Needs to analyze everything and give you advice
  18. The Interloper Overly involved in your life
  19. The Copy Cat Imitates you
  20. The Controller Needs to dominate you or the friendship
  21. The Caretaker Needs to be a friend's keeper, mother or nursemaid, rather than an equal.
WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You by Jan Yager, Ph.D. (Simon & Schuster, Inc., 2002, A Fireside Book trade paperback original, ISBN 0-7432-1145-6). (Copyright ? 2002 by Jan Yager, Ph.D.)

About Jan Yager
Author of
WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS

     Jan Yager, Ph.D. has spent the last 20 years extensively studying relationships including friendship which was the subject of her sociology dissertation (City University of New York, 1983) where she had a pre-doctoral fellowship in medical sociology from the National Science Foundation.
     In addition to WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS (Simon and Schuster, 2002), Dr. Yager is the author of the highly-acclaimed Friendshifts®: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives, which has been translated into five foreign editions, as well as numerous other groundbreaking books including Single in America and Victims (published under her maiden name of J.L. (Janet Lee) Barkas).
     Frequently interviewed by broadcast and print media, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show, The View, National Public Radio, CBS Radio, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, Time, Reader's Digest, Seventeen, Redbook, etc., Dr. Yager has authored articles that have appeared in newspapers, magazines, and online publications including Parade, The New York Times, Woman's Day, Glamour, Modern Bride, American Baby, Harper's, and The Wall Street Journal's www.careerjournal.com, www.startupjournal.com, and others.
     Dr. Yager delivers keynote addresses and conducts workshops to corporate, association, and government audiences on friendship and workplace issues including time management. She most recently has been teaching part-time in the Department of Sociology at the University of Connecticut; previously, she has taught at Temple University, Pennsylvania State University, St. John's University, and The New School.
     In addition to her doctoral dissertation, Dr. Yager's educational background includes a master's degree in criminal justice and a year of graduate work in art therapy.
     For more information about Dr. Jan Yager, as well as her friendship research, visit her web sites: http://www.janyager.com, http://www.janyager.com/friendship, and http://www.janyager.com/writing. The web site dedicated to WHEN FRIENDSHIP HURTS is: http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com.


home
About the author
About the book including reviews
Table of contents
Free excerpt
Buy the book
21 types of negative friends
Reading Group Guide
Featured links
Author's websites
Upcoming interviews or events
Contact Jan Yager
Online media kit
Foreign Rights
Book Dr. Yager to speak
 
Recommend this site to a friend!
 

When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You
 
Home Page | About the author | About the book including reviews | Table of contents
Free excerpt | Buy the book | 21 types of negative friends | Reading Group Guide
Featured links | Author's websites | Upcoming interviews or events | Contact Jan Yager
Online media kit | Foreign rights